Why is silence so hard?

You have likely already heard about the power of silence in a coaching session. These are extended periods of quiet where you and your client think deeply about what is important in that moment. You take your time to consider what to say next as a coach and the client takes time to explore themselves perhaps more deeply than they have done since the last time they met with you. It’s powerful and meaningful.

As I continue to fulfill my role as a Mentor Coach, I observe coaches commit to bringing more silence into their sessions and then not doing it. Why is this so hard?

I think it’s because of our overwhelming habituation to improve how we talk during our upbringing and throughout our adult lives. Want an example? I’ll bet when you read my intro section, you were wanting to know what you can “say” to better handle chemistry meetings. Right?

This is driven into us that learning to talk well is a key to success. So, when we say you should talk less as a key to success in coaching, it creates cognitive dissonance in our minds. We want to do what we’re told, but everything within us fights it and we fall back into our natural pattern of talking a lot.

I have some suggested steps below to start breaking away from the natural conversational pattern. I hope they are helpful to you.

1. Write down on a piece of paper “More silence = better coaching” and place it in your field of view wherever you tend to sit and coach.

2. Tell yourself before a coaching session, “I want to bring more silence into this session. Even if I do it only once, I will be see that as growth.”

3. Understand what types of sessions do better when they have more silence. These are sessions where we are tackling a deeper topic. You might characterize such sessions as coaching the who versus the what. These types of more contemplative and reflective sessions often require periods of silence to full process what’s surfacing and think about what to say next. This is true for you as well as your coachee!

4. Tell your client you want to work on bringing more silence into your sessions and explain why this is valuable.

5. Listen attentively for moments in your sessions when the client is deep in thought or has surfaced something really meaningful. Give them space in that moment. Then, follow up with a short question such as, “What’s happening for you right now?” or “Tell me more about that.” Or “What are you thinking?” Be silent as they answer and reflect further.

6. After your session, reflect on how well you did to bring more silence into the coaching space. And commit again to keep at it.

I believe if you diligently follow these 6 steps, you will surely chip away at a well-established pattern of communication and elevate your coaching in the process. Let me know how it goes. I would love to hear from you on this.

Contact me if you have follow-up questions or would like to talk about your coaching business and how to develop it.

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